The summer of 1989 was the first time I had lost a significant amount of weight.
About 25 pounds at “Fat Camp”.
My mom, about 100 lbs overweight and struggling with food addiction and an eating disorder, made a comment that still makes the hair on my neck stand up.
She was proud of me for losing the weight.
Happy for me.
But she just didn’t understand the real problem (hint: it’s my thinking).
She thought that “the weight is off… and that’s that… I was fixed.”
LOL (funny / not funny) – spoiler alert – that is NOT what happened.
She was so convinced that I would never have to struggle the way she did that she admitted some deep fears of her own…
“I blamed myself for your weight gain, and it was embarrassing when we were both fat because people were judging me.”
All I heard was, If you are fat, I’m embarrassed to be seen with you.
I know she didn’t mean to hurt me.
I know she had no idea I would gain all the weight (plus more) and spend the rest of my life (just under the surface) wondering if she is still embarrassed of me.
Am I too fat?
Is she worried about my weight?
Does she think I should lose weight?
Am I thin enough?
When I am in this mental space (often when my weight fluctuates up), EVERYTHING ABOUT HER BUGS ME!
I feel instantly judged by her… and everyone.
It has been a big deal for me to really let go of that ANGER.
Let go of that RAGE.
Let go of that SHAME.
But first, I had to be willing to acknowledge what happened and stop taking on the shame.
It’s not my stuff… that was her issues, passed down from her mother (God bless us all!).
Second I had stop blaming her for my lack of self-esteem.
So – on this mother’s day weekend, I recommend the greatest gift of all….
And the best way to let go of the anger, the rage, the blame / shame cycle ….
Do it for YOU.
Forgive your mother for passing on the pain.
Forgive yourself for holding on to the lies for so long.
You are wonderful, beautiful, and worthy of all the things.